a Brief but Perhaps Upsetting Summary
(King James Version)
Day One (Tuesday): In the beginning, there was an infected church building or member, and lo, many legions of church members were filled with woe. For behold, their limbs ached abundantly and the fever burned with the fire of a thousand suns. The thermometers ventured forth towards one hundred three as the quivering quaked beneath their blankets. Sleep was not had — nay, the night loomed on full of doom and shivering.
Day Two (Wednesday): As the infected multitude whined and moaned upon their beds — yea, even their facebook status updates — there arose a great divide amongst the brethren. And the non-infected said unto the infected, “Thus far you shalt venture, and no further. If thou shalt choose to venture closer unto me, I shall smite thee with Purell.” Wives and husbands were torn asunder. Husbands kept close unto their vocations and far from their contaminated progeny. Wives constrained children from their ill forefathers for fear. Friends absconded — yea! They vamoosed and skedaddled. Behold, the misery and trembling were great, and still the temperatures remained enkindled.
Day Three (Thursday): Thursday dawned full of promise, but nay, the hopes, they were dashed like weak piglets upon the rocks of despair. For when the infected assembly attempted any task of import — bathing, washing garments, feeding offspring, or even cleaning drinking vessels — lo, the fever would afflict them greatly and drive them back unto their pallets. The ibuprofen, it flowed like water as the younger generations fell prey unto the vile sickness. And there arose a great whining from the homes and laptops of the afflicted.
Day Four (Friday): On Friday, the multitudinous host began coughing. They coughed with such a grievous cough that they speculated that a great evil C-clamp had been affixed to their windpipes as they slept. Their abdominal muscles were strained — a blessing in disguise, for they had not ventured to exercise in a great many days. Still the fiery fevers lingered, though not as blistering as before.
Day Five (Saturday): The great day of candy consumption had arrived but lo, the coughing assembly did not partake. The appetites, they had forsaken the people. The first few survivors attempted an escape from the lowly imprisonment of their homes, but the suffering was great for them. The fevers returned with volcanic fury and for some, the vomitous anger of the swine sickness was felt. Again, discouragement and despair settled across the land.
(…and after that, finally, we started getting better.)