GET READY. I decided — perhaps out of service to the internet or perhaps because I have a rebellious streak — that I would, against warnings offered me and my better judgment, indeed watch the premiere of the final season of LOST tonight. For plain old morbid fun.
- I have never watched this show before. OK, that’s not exactly true. I watched parts of the first episode of season two when my husband was at a church meeting. But it was too freaky and I was home alone and some dude was injecting himself with stuff –yuck– and I shut it off.
- I think most of you LOSTies are held hostage by this little group of writers at ABC and it’s pretty funny to me. Most of you don’t have any idea what’s going on most of the time and you’re freaking out and on the edge of your seats with anticipation. And this has been going on FOR YEARS. Somewhere in California there is a small group of people laughing and laughing at you.
As it turned out, I turned on the TV around 8:15 while the kids were getting ready for bed. I was conflicted about whether or not to watch the synopsis-on-speed that was airing at that time, since that might ruin my “never watched this before” status. The good news is, between the noise upstairs and the sheer number of facts being shot out at me from the television about people and things I’ve never heard of before, the entire pre-show sounded like this:
So. That was helpful. I feel really prepared now. I have never been more ready for anything in my entire life, with the possible exception of everything else in my entire life.
The opening scene sure looked like there was going to be another plane crash. What if this show is just a recurring cycle of plane crashes on infinite loop? There’s a strange conversation between these two guys who probably have significance to everyone else but me. They don’t know each other. But maybe they do. Oh great, and now I’M falling out of the sky and crashing and EW there are fish. I freaked out whilst snorkeling on our honeymoon, did I ever tell you that? Yep. Swallowed a WHOLE buncha saltwater.
Oh honey! You’re in a tree, hang on! Don’t fall. Seems like she might have an ear infection because her hearing is all messed up. HA HA HA HA She just said “we’re back” which means you guys are all SUCKERS and everything is just starting all over again. Loop. Now everyone’s fighting about what’s really happening which seems rather counterproductive. But hey, why should anyone IN the show understand what’s going on either? There’s really no reason to kick and yell.
OK, now I’m starting to get the point that all the island people are back on a plane together and nobody knows each other. YES! I am WICKED smart. Back on the island, more yelling. Lady trapped under tons of twisted metal and guy bleeding on the ground. Does anyone actually die in this show? I mean, really. If you can travel through time and all? What’s the real danger there? Can’t you just back up and get a do-over? Then some guy walks up out of the woods and scares me and his identity is probably EXTREMELY SIGNIFICANT but as we covered before, I have no idea who he is.
More talking on the plane. Then we’re underground and more blood. It’s all very testosterone-manly-grunty with the sweat and the fire and the blood and all. Oh NO! There are two of the same guy here…one is dead and one is alive! What in the WORLD! And doesn’t it make all the other actors mad when one guy gets a double role like that? Does he get paid twice as much? Nah, probably just one and a half times because let’s face it, playing a dead guy is not that hard.
Now Scary Woods Guy is talking about how he died. So he’s dead, and he’s giving instructions on what to do with Bleeding Guy. Probably not the best source of information if you’re trying to save someone’s life, just my opinion. The people in the hole are going to use a Vanagon to pull the metal off the lady who’s trapped. All those people are right…VW buses ARE the greatest! They can do anything, and they are cute when they’re bright and shiny colors! Oh, dear. This segment ended with Merry the Hobbit not breathing in the airplane bathroom. Why does everything bad happen to the Hobbits?! WHY?!
OK, they finally got to Trapped Lady. Her eyebrows are perfectly groomed despite the fact that she is all bloody. Glory be.
(Can I just say something now? I am 45 minutes in, and I am TIRED already. What year is it? Are people alive or dead? Is anyone telling the truth? I don’t know how you people have done this for years on end. NO CLOSURE!)
OOHHH!!! The cave is filling with some possessed black smoke thingy! DO NOT ANGER THE SMOKE THINGY, which for some reason cannot enter circles made of sand. But the guy who is alive AND dead said that he is ALSO the smoke thingy, I think. So that makes role #3 for him, lucky dog.
Now Trapped Lady is dying and she says, “I have to tell you something really important,” and then dies. That’s VERY satisfying. Then Trapped Lady’s boyfriend says it’s the other guy’s fault, which I don’t really get since she’s the one who hit a hydrogen bomb right next to her with a rock. Nobody ever wants to take personal responsibility anymore.
NEWS FLASH: A PLANE LANDED WITHOUT CRASHING. So I take back everything I said about The Loop. Everything makes perfect sense now and I have achieved total consciousness.
Second hour and Trapped Lady’s boyfriend decides that the brown coveralls were a fashion no-no. It’s all part of his plot to make the other guy — Jack? who is still wearing the brown coveralls — look bad. Now they’re heading to a temple, which every island has at least one of. It’s a rule. There also should be some dismembered skeletons inside the temple, or your island is LAME.
And now who are THESE people kidnapping our island friends?! WHAT?! Temple worshipers with machine guns? Is part of the goal of LOST to make you feel like you’re hallucinating?! Mr. Cop makes the mistake of letting Handcuffed Girl into the bathroom and she beats him up. THAT is not surprising. Everybody knows never trust a pretty girl in handcuffs who says she has to potty. I’m pretty sure they teach you that on the first day of Policeman School.
Now we’re back trying to convince the island machine gunners to please refrain from shooting our friends. There is some GREAT SIGNIFICANCE to a guitar case with a big wooden symbol in it. The leader of the temple people cracks it over his knee. Geez! Good thing that wasn’t a Gibson or a Taylor! But surprise, he knew what he was doing because there was a Mysterious Note inside: “If your friend dies, we’re all in a lot of trouble.” Because right now, you’re doing great. You’re on an island…who knows where…in who knows what year and bloody people are carrying their half-dead friends into your temple through underground tunnels and you don’t know where they came from and they don’t speak your language. That’s AWESOME! But if Bleeding Guy dies, then your little saunter in the park is OVER. Over, I say!
(Another note: where would this show be without screeching violins? Squeeeeeeeaaaaaaaak….)
Now they’re doing some sort of Pool of Bethesda thing with Bleeding Guy, with the one difference being that they seem to be DROWNING the guy in the “healing” waters. I’m sure that will work well. Aaaaaanndd…he died. Great. Perfect! This show ROCKS! I can totally see why you’re all so into it! Jack — whose hair is coiffed and who is perfectly clean-shaven despite the fact that he’s been stranded on an island for weeks and traveling through time and in fist fights and tunnels — attempts to revive Formerly Just Bleeding But Now Completely Drowned Guy because he is a doctor.
Handcuff Girl manages to get out of the airport because she is crafty and has a gun. Temple people are trying to make up for the whole drowning incident with some tea and snacks. Oh NO! Now the temple people are angry because Scary Woods Guy is dead. Lots of running around and yelling. Then a very convoluted conversation about who killed who in the cave and all I can think about is WHERE IS THE SMOKE THINGY? Man of Three Roles ends by saying he just wants to go home and I say, “I’M SURE NO ONE ELSE FEELS THAT WAY, MR. AM I DEAD OR ALIVE OR A SMOKE THINGY!”.
Then there’s a whole theological talk in the lost luggage office about what happened to Dr. Jack’s father’s body. AH-HA! There’s another explosion in the sky! I knew it! More plane crashes! Or, maybe not. Who even knows anymore. I just want to go to bed.
And now Dr. Jack is picking a fight with temple worshipers which is stupid, because as we all know there are way more of them than there are of Jack and his friends. For a neurosurgeon he is not very intelligent — WHOA! Formerly Just Bleeding But Now Completely Drowned Guy is now ALIVE GUY!
Did you hear that collective GROAN all across the Eastern/Central time zone? That was people’s frustration levels reaching an all-time high. Me? I’ll sleep well tonight, because I know the same amount about the storyline of LOST as I did at the beginning of the show.
Which amounts to Absolutely Not a Thing.