This piece was originally posted on 6/12/06.
Occasionally I have a day where I think, “Even if I wrote all this down, I don’t think anyone would believe me.” It’s 11:30 a.m. and I’ve already had one of those days. Please have a laugh at my expense!
1. Monday morning…time to change the sheets. Boys, please take your sheets off.
2. Late sleepers mean a late start to the grocery store, so maybe we should pack breakfast and eat in the van so Jonathan doesn’t have a complete meltdown from missing his morning nap while we’re shopping.
3. *** huge drama because Cameron and Ben have lunchboxes to use but Andrew doesn’t have one ***
4. Discover Daddy’s lunchbox in cabinet over stove, and give to Andrew. He is still a bit put out, but satisfied.
5. Drive to Concord. Go the wrong way, because I’m talking to Nicole on the phone. Take alternate route to Concord.
6. Lose connection with Nicole due to alternate route taken.
7. Arrive in Aldi parking lot as store is opening. Discover that Andrew has not actually eaten his toast, but instead has been smearing his finger in the peanut butter and licking it off. Discard soggy bread. Wipe Andrew’s face, fingers, and shirt with second to last wipe in diaper bag. Decide to wash carseat cover this afternoon.
8. Let boys out of van. Pick Jonathan up out of carseat and realize he is soaking wet, front and back, up to the shoulders.
9. Investigate why he is wet. The smell soon gives enough clues. Apparently he is not just wet, but drenched in his own….waste. Solid waste that wasn’t quite solid enough to stay in a diaper.
10. Omigosh, it’s everywhere. Oh, the stench. Try not to get any on yourself.
11. Bring baby around at arm’s length to other side of van where there is more room for a change . Boys, please don’t play with the trash in the storm drain.
12. Boys, please sit in the front seat so I know where you are.
13. Take disgusting clothes and diaper off baby, putting them in small box found in trunk since I have no plastic bags with me. Decide to wash carseat cover this afternoon.
14. Attempt to clean baby with aforementioned second to last wipe, which now has peanut butter all over it, and last wipe. Clean up remaining mess with napkins found in glove compartment, soaked in cup of water in cupholder.
15. Cameron, it’s OK to turn the steering wheel but please don’t touch the pedals.
16. Take baby, dressed only in a diaper, now sounding his protest LOUDLY, back over to other side of van, where the carpet is cleaner, to put on clean outfit.
17. Boys, let’s go in the store.
18. Realize that all carts with seatbelts are about three deep into the stacks. Decide Jonathan can manage without one at this point.
19. Enter Aldi grocery store. Make it halfway down one aisle when Andrew states that he needs to use the potty.
20. Walk across store to bathrooms, sending Cameron and Ben into the men’s room and taking Jonathan and Andrew into the women’s room. Andrew successfully uses potty.
21. Well, at least I can get that stench off my hands a little better now. Wash hands, dry hands.
22. Open door to women’s room and discover Cameron and Ben making competing arcs with the water fountains. Boys, please hold onto the cart. No Ben, we can’t get an Etch a Sketch. Please put it back.
23. Andrew, please turn the water off. No, the other knob. (they are both now fully on) Turn it off. OK, come dry your hands.
24. Head back to where I was, breathing deeply. Realize that breathing deeply only makes me smell the baby more, who is sitting in the cart at nose level.
25. Complete Aldi shopping in relative peace.
26. Put groceries in van — oh, the stench! — and put children in van.
27. Turn on van. Air conditioning and radio come on full blast because of boys’ time in front seat while I was changing the baby.
28. Drive to Super WalMart to complete my order. Bring children into store.
29. Andrew, don’t touch that. Ben, don’t touch that. (disgusting nasal bulb aspirator laying in WalMart parking lot)
30. Question mental faculties of man who invented shopping cart with two spots for older children but blocked off the spot for a younger child. Decide that the inventor may question my mental faculties for having four children so close together.
31. Strap baby tightly into seat for older child and give him my keys to keep him happy, since I forgot a toy for him. Dirty I know, but really who cares at this point?!
32. Decide that this cart may not be such a bad thing, since it keeps the smelly baby farther from my nose.
33. Walk around Super WalMart, completing shopping order. Buy deodorant for husband, which Cameron sees and calls “Daddy’s smelly arm stuff.” Consider rubbing it all over Jonathan to stop the smell. Decide against it.
34. Store is laden with advertising for “Cars” movie. Yes, I see. Yes, I see.
35. Check out of store.
36. Pass bathrooms, where Andrew decides he needs to go again. More interaction with excrement.
37. Walk to van, passing dirty aspirator again. Ben, don’t touch that. Andrew, don’t touch that.
38. Drive home, wondering if my van will ever smell good again.
And so I thank God this morning that
– Jonathan got it out of his system, whatever “it” was.
– the Lord gave me sufficient grace to bite my tongue and not lose my temper with the kids.
– I have a washer, where the carseat covers and dirty clothes are sloshing away at this very moment.
– We have a house full of food.