This Couch Does Not Swing

Remember the mid-to-late 90’s?

Awwww, wasn’t that fun? Swing dancing came back and was all the rage. We wore our pants baggier and Doc Martens were the shoes of choice.

(side note: Bloomingdale’s is now selling the shoes to the right as “vintage.” REALLY?!)

What were the colors we all loved then?

NAVY BLUE! CRANBERRY RED! HUNTER GREEN!

So 90’s fashion and the popularity of LL Bean in my native New England merged into a perfect storm and led to my purchase of the following furniture:

Hello, preppy newlywed Kelly who knows nothing about home decor. Nice to see you. Have you ever heard the words, “Stick to neutrals with the big purchases”? Apparently not.

These pieces — there’s a chair, too, see below — looked good for about 12 months into our marriage. For our first year of marriage, we lived in an adorable two-bedroom apartment in an old school building. It had shiny hardwoods and huge windows and our furniture basically filled our little living room. But it was CUTE. Preppy and cute. Just like newlywed Kelly.

Then these crazy people started arriving:

Furniture? Who has time to think about furniture?

So here I sit on the hunter green, navy blue, and cranberry red chair with frayed cording in my living room, pining away for something that looks like this:

(thanks, Nester, for the photo)

AHHHH. I need some serenity in my life, don’t you agree?

“WHITE?!” you are all gasping. Yes, or off-white. Here’s why: I can use bleach on it. My Clorox bleach pen is my best friend. I use it all the time. It is the reason why I buy mostly white bath towels now. It’s why I have flour sack towels in my kitchen. BLEACH is a mother-of-boys’ go-to housekeeping help.

(additional side note: am I the only clumsy person who pays extra money just for the “no-splash” kind of bleach? I have ruined too many pairs of pants cleaning toilets, I guess.)

And thus ends my entry in Pink and Polka Dot’s Ugly Sofa Contest. Oh sure, there may be other contestants who have big floral prints from the 70’s, but you know what we call that? We call that “vintage.”

THIS we just call “outdated and sad.”

11 thoughts on “This Couch Does Not Swing”

This is the funniest post! Thanks for sharing and entering the contest! I'm laughing about how funny you are…not at your outdated furniture!

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Great entry! Cant wait to vote!

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i'm totally voting!

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You have a great sofa and chair with classic lines and they both look in great shape! Really not ugly but I know you are ready for WHITE! Go white, Girl! Keep that bleach pen handy! Loving your "crazy people". They are just adorable.Yes, you deserve some white serenity in your life. Come vacay with me for a week or two. I'll float you in white fluffy fabulous stuff, it's taking over my house!

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One word…slipcovers. And I'm quite sure YOU could make them! That might not contribute to your serenity in the short run, however, but just think how happy you'd be, not only to have them, but to have MADE them!

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Your post is so funny!!I love LLBean still. And those boots, too. And khakis. Hmm.Your furniture looks so solid. It'll last forever. White would be awesome on it!!!

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There was a time when everyone envied your couch. "What style," they said. I would have envied it, and you. I can picture it in a room with wood panel wainscotting and hunter green wallpaper on the top. Maybe some big floral print curtains. Everyone standing around in their IZOD shirts. Still, it does have beautiful lines and looks to be in great shape. I can't wait to see it after you slipcover it – then I will really be jealous!

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